new years.......

I guess it's time for me to come out from hiding and write a blog.
Well ---- here I am. It's a new year and no, this isn't one of my new year's resolutions. :) I'm home for the holidays and spending time with family is wonderful. I think it's one of the few places where I feel completely comfortable and at ease and that's a nice feeling. My sister is home which is absolutely fantabulous!! I missed her soooo much over the year --- but I think the year was really good experience for both of us because I think we grew tighter through emailing and calling. But it was a long year.. and it's really nice to have her back. She's probably my closest friend in the world -- I can tell her anything -- and even though we fight now that she's home (you need physical contact in order to fight.. it's hard to fight over the phone) I love knowing that's she's around and I can talk to her.
Yet being at home can also be frustrating. Really frustrating. I guess because I'm realizing that I never feel completely satisfied when I'm with friends. It's really frustrating when you never feel satisfied about yourself when you're with the people you care about. Like on New Years, I went to hang out with friends that I've had since grade 9/10 -- somewhere in there, a good 6 years anyways....... and yet whenever I see them, I still feel like I'm visiting. I'm never IN. The big thing is always that they're going to make a movie or start a theatre company........... I'm a theatre major and yet they haven't seriously asked me to be apart of this ... while many of their other friends get asked at random... Okay, I'm not upset about not being in a theatre company or anything like that because there's a good chance this thing will never get off the ground.... but for once I'd like to feel INCLUDED. I hate the fact that when I'm with them alot of the time I'm wanting to be someone else --- not ME. And this is a horrible thing. I love these people very dearly, and maybe that's why I haven't just given up. It's odd when through out whole evening one of the best conversation I had was with someone whom I haven't even known that long when I'm surrounded by people who I've known for a long time. It's just frustrating when you know that if you were a different personality or if you changed where you live, they would probably finally ACCEPT you and want to be around you --- and yet that SHOULDN'T matter. Grrr.. Lord help me deal with my insecurities.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to going back to Redeemer though school will be really busy..... but I love nothing better than delving myself into something that I'm so passionate about. I love theatre so much and I'm truely thankful to God that he's put that passion in my heart.