Eating habits

I don't think people know what a blessing it is to be able to eat a normal meal. To be able to finish a hamburger, fries, and a soft drink -- a normal combo meal at any fastfood restaurant -- and feel satisfied (provided it's not mcdonald's -- because then you're just asking for indigestion) and contently full or maybe still hungry. I used to be like that. There was a time when I would eat a combo meal and still have room for dessert. The last time I clearly remember being able to do that was in grade seven -- around 8 or 9 years ago.
If I was allowed to change one thing about my body, just one, I wouldn't ask to be shorter, or to have a better back, or to have the ability to tan (although all of those would be tempting).. I would ask for a new digestive system.
Anyone who has lived with me or who has been friends with me for a significant period of time knows that I don't eat very much. Well, to quote Winnie the Pooh -- I would, if I could, but I can't. Around grade eight/grade nine, my appetite started to decrease, by which I mean that I found I couldn't eat as much during a meal before I'd start feeling full. Accompanied to that was that I was randomly getting bad indigestion about a 1/2 hour after meals. This steadily got worse throughout highschool to the point where I'd be camping out in the bathroom after meals about 4-5 times a week. Fast forward to the present. Now, I feel sick probably about once a day. I have about 5 different kinds of "feeling sick" that I've learn to identify that will hit me randomly so it's impossble to monitor and control. If I were to order a combo at a fastfood restaurant (that would be a feat in of itself because I can't even eat fastfood anymore) I would barely be able to finish the hamburger by itself, let alone the fries and drink. The thought of dessert wouldn't even cross my mind.
I'm not writing this blog to gain sympathy or as a "woe is me" complaint. I'm frustrated. I want people to understand that when I go to a restaurant and don't order anything except water, it's not because I'm on some diet (so don't look at me with scorn because "oh yeah like you need to diet") or because I'm anorexic, it's because I can't finish anything on the menu, or because I'm feeling nauseous, or becuase it's too late at night or I'm too tired and if I eat I'll feel like I'm going to throw up, or because we're going out somewhere after supper and I don't want to chance food in case I end up spending most of the evening in the bathroom. If I don't feel like going out to some place, it's not because I don't like the company, or because I'm a party-pooper, it's because through out the years, home has become a safe haven for me because I can be sick there as much as I want and not worry about it. This is why watching movies has become one of my most frequent activities -- I can stay at home and my body can just lay down and relax, whether it's sick or not. Going out is stressful, going to a restaurant is stressful, going on trips is stressful, going to evening church is stressful (because we eat before church and you have to sit in a pew for an hour and a 1/2), doing anything new is stressful (my body hates change) -- and the funny thing is, the more stressed my body is, the more likely it will get sick. It's a cycle -- I get stressed that I'm going to get sick, and then I get sick because I'm stressed out about it, which makes me nervous about it again next time. Well, you would say, don't get stressed and you won't get sick... The fun thing about my body is that it can hit at any time.... whether I'm stressed or not.
If I could survive without eating, I would.
I want to be a normal person. Not being able to eat properly has affected so many areas of my life, I feel now that I've come to define myself by it. I feel I've lost so much of who I am because of my body -- I don't take near as many risks, I don't go out and have fun as much and I don't really like to either, I'm stressed so much more, I'm not as fun, and I feel judged all the time because people don't understand (because it just looks like I'm doing it for dietary reasons.. and, well, I'm skinny, so that isn't taken favourably.. ) and I don't feel like explaning to every waitress why I'm not giving them any business or to the group of people I'm with why I'm being so frugal with my money and not ordering anything again. I would love to go visit my cousins for 4 days and not be sick for most of the time I'm there. I would like to be able to eat a meal (or just eat something period) before I go on stage. I would like not to get full on my lunch consisting of a small baggie of crispers, a drink, and a yogurt. I'm sick of people's snide little comments like "oh yeah, I forgot, you're never hungry" or "let me guess, you're not feeling well". I can't control it, I can't help it, and I'm not a big fan of it either. So back off.
I look forward to heaven if for nothing else than for a restored body.